Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
Peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build
yourself a family with those?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim
Beam.
Santa



Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China Every year I
give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in
Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I
unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
"Long Dong" Claus




Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
Santa




Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy
,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad
just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa